Running isn't complicated, grief is

About a month ago I lost my little sister. She had an incredible laugh, loved animals and regularly told me that I was her favorite sister. It was unexpected and I'm still reeling from the utter sadness and shock of it all. I hadn't run since the day I learned she was gone.

At first, I was too busy and too depressed to get up and out the door in the morning. My family needed me and I needed them. I especially needed not to be alone. I was out for about a week, and upon my return I started putting pressure on myself to go back to normal. But nothing is normal, there is just a different, new normal. A normal I wanted to reject. Part of that rejection was avoiding running. 

I also stopped running because the therapeutic aspect that I have always loved about it now scared me. I wasn't ready to delve into my feelings. And I had a crutch - I thought that by putting aside something that's good for me would mean I wouldn't feel bad anymore. To me, it represented embracing the new normal and letting go of the pain from the loss of someone I love so dearly. 

Today I went for my first run since mid-January. Sometimes you have to take a break to come back from injury. For me, I needed to step away from running so my strongest muscle - my heart - could start to heal. Taking time to get better isn't moving on or forgetting, and struggle doesn't mean failure.

I finished my run as the sun came up and am looking forward to running again tomorrow. My heart may never be whole again, but I can slowly heal what's left of it. With each step I'll carry my sister's memory and the love we shared.